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.But he had to! Hehad to run.Ellis needed to escape this bed of vulnerability he dsuddenly found himself in.Cole had fucked him.Hard.This couldn t be what it felt like to be gay? This open.Thishelpless.This emasculated.He thought he d feel joy, peace, love,warmth, but all he felt was terror.The room was spinning and his arms felt as though they weretrapped in a vat of molasses, difficult to pull free from Cole s visegrip.His legs wouldn t move, either.They were stiff and106 Wade Kellyunresponsive.How could he get out of here when Cole had chainedhim to the bed?At once, in one swift motion, Ellis rolled backward and landedon his feet on the opposite side of the bed.He was free.Standingcompletely nude in Cole s bedroom, while Cole obliviously slept.He had to leave.Now! At once! Ellis snatched his clothes from thebed, the floor, the nearby chair, and left without making a sound.After yanking on basketball shorts and a T-shirt, he left theapartment, in desperate need of solitude.He jogged to the footballfield and fell into a casual run around the sidelines.Without thought,he stopped at one goal post and dashed to the ten-yard line and back.That was easy.He sprinted, this time to the twenty.His calvesburned, but he loved the familiarity of it.He repeated the exerciseby sprinting to the thirty-yard line and back.His thighs burned.Good.But he could still feel a throb in his ass.It felt like Cole wasstill there pushing in and pulling out in that seductive rhythm ofsexual conquest and domination.He sprinted to the forty, back, fifty and back.Cole couldn t control him.Maybe he Ellis wasn t gay? Maybe last night was anaccident? He sprinted to the sixty and back.His lungs burned.Histhighs screamed.Still, he ran on.Sure he felt attracted to Cole.Cole was adorable in a nerdy-science sort of way, but did that mean he cared for him in ahomosexual way? Maybe Ellis was confused.Cole was insufferableand incorrigible and infuriating run, touch eighty-yard line andturn but he was also thoughtful.He never made dinner withoutasking if Ellis liked all the ingredients first.That was nice.He didn thave to do that.Cole was tender and affectionate but never didanything blatant when they were in public.Cole was sweet in his own way.Ellis bent and touched the goal line on the opposite end andnearly collapsed on his return, huffing and puffing on the fifty-yardline. Then why& why& do I feel& so scared? he asked himself,but he was too exhausted to think.In his mind, something waswrong.Sex was supposed to bring a couple closer together, but sexMy Roommate s a Jock? Well, Crap! 107with Cole made him feel more distant, more confused, and moreinsecure.Why?Across the field, he noticed Stanley White repainting the lineson the field.He glanced his way. Shit! What if he knows? Ellisasked out loud. What if he can look at me and tell I had a dick upmy ass? He often found Mr.Stanley s presence comforting, buttoday Ellis all but panicked thinking the kindly older gentlemanwould walk over and chat.Thankfully, he didn t.Ellis took the moment to leave before Stan changed his mind. Maybe something s wrong with me? said Ellis, clambering along,hoping Cole wouldn t be in the apartment when he returned.Of course Cole was home.And then he lied about shootinghoops with Russell.He hated lying to Cole.Plus he yelled at him!Ellis felt awful about yelling at Cole.Part of him struggled with aneed to reach out and hold Cole, but the selfish half fish-flipped inhis gut, reminding him how exposed he felt in Cole s presence.Heturned on the shower but remained by the door listening.Cole bellowed,  Although you could ask before taking myshirt!Ellis looked down.Shit! I m wearing his shirt. I must havegrabbed it by accident. He yanked it off and flung it out the door.Seconds later, he heard the apartment door slam.Ellis leaned on thedoor and fought tears.He stepped into the shower and felt the hot water cascade overhis sore muscles.He washed.He leaned on the wall, thinking aboutwhat he d done last night.It s not supposed to feel like this.As thewater ran down his face, Ellis watched the bubbles chase each otherdown his legs, over his feet and into the drain.If only the fear he feltwould follow them down.If only the manifest weakness sobbingitself free through his tears would vanish with the bathwater andcleanse him of the shame he felt.Ellis leaned on the tile and criedlike he d never cried before.108 Wade KellyFOR almost two weeks, Ellis walked through a fog.Concentratingon school was nearly impossible, yet somehow he d managed to pulloff A s on all the papers he handed in, albeit low A s, but he didn tknow how.Everything was so mixed up in his head.If someoneasked him what he was studying, he was certain he wouldn t be ableto explain anything properly.What was he going to do withmidterms approaching?In the back of his mind, he knew he d gone to see his parents afew times but what they did or ate on those occasions, he couldn tremember.He could hardly remember anything.Except Cole.He sat on the couch while Cole was in class and tried withgreat effort to compose a poem for creative writing.The task wasdaunting.He couldn t write poetry.He couldn t concentrate onpoetry.And what should I say speak of today,Of paper flowers and skies of gray?Or cloudy moon-lit nights, sitting alone,Candles burning, with no one home.Ellis crossed off words and crumbled sorry attempts atexpressing his feelings.He felt cold.He felt empty.He felt amountain of guilt and shame, but what was he ashamed of? Hedidn t know that part was unclear [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]