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.If hecould do that once, he might do it again& and again, untilthey were caught, and Davy hanged.If the laws had beendifferent, if the world could view their love as the beautifulthing it truly was, things might have been different.But aman had to live with what was, not the way he wantedthings to be.So long as he was Davy s lover, Davy was inmortal danger.It had nothing to do with religion.His father might137Winds of Changehave been a minister, but Will had long since decided thatthe being called God, if he existed at all, was at best coldlyindifferent to suffering, and at worst a sadist.At first Willhad been angry at God, or Fate, call it what you would, butas time went by he had no one left to be angry with buthimself.Anger took too much effort, too much energy, andhe had none left.He had nothing.Back to the mundane.Back to his modest lodgings, aroom let to trustworthy gentlemen by the widow of themaster s mate from the Titan.Mrs.Quinn was motherly to afault.He found her solicitude bearable for the day or so hewas in town every month; sometimes he even welcomed it.Tonight he could not stand even the thought.Perhaps it hadbeen the time he spent with those soldiers, seeing theirfriendship, the easy camaraderie that reminded him toomuch of what he d lost.He should have bought a bottle ofwine and stayed indoors.But he had not, and it was too cold and wet to spendtime walking about Portsmouth.His shoes were alreadydamp, and he would need to let them dry slowly, so theleather would not crack.It had become a point ofpride useless, stupid pride, Davy would say that he wasliving entirely on his half-pay, not touching the prize-moneyfrom his years in the Navy.Soon he must see about gettinganother pair of shoes.Perhaps he would use tonight swinnings; that should be more than enough, so long as hestayed away from the expensive shops that catered tofashionable gentlemen.But he did not care to stay in townlong enough to visit even an ordinary shoemaker, and thispair was still good enough for every day..if you should ever be in need.The late-night whisper nagged like a hungry ghost.Hedid not have to do this.He could write a letter one linewould do and he would be on the way back to where hisheart was.Or Davy would come to him they could buy acottage out in the country, well away from anyone whomight be involved with Naval Intelligence.Even if Davy138Lee Rowanwas no longer in Jamaica, a letter to Baron Guilford wouldalways find him.Was Davy still in Kingston? Marshall didn t know.Itdidn t matter.He would not write that letter.He could not.What future would David Archer have with a sodomiticallover? You wouldn t tell me, would you?No, Davy.I cannot.For your own good, I cannot.That part of his life was over.The door was closed.Davy was no longer even David Archer; he was now DavidSt.John, woods-colt of a noble family, an honorable family,his natural ties of blood and honor.A better life for David, itwas the life he had been born to, free of the trials and dangerhe d had to endure in the Navy.Once he was able to leaveoff that ridiculous guise, he would have no trouble findinganother lover or a wife, if he chose to settle down and raisea family.Surely Davy could shake off the aberration, theconsequence of a womanless nautical isolation that hadbrought them together.He didn t need a hanger-on from hispast, a fool who had nearly caused his death, interfering withhis chance for a future.Yes.That was for the best.Loneliness had been the rootof it, no doubt.A lover who was also a friend had probablybeen good for Davy, after the abuse he d endured from thedregs of the service, and Davy had given himself in responseto Marshall s need.He knew, at least, that he had givenDavy pleasure such times they had shared! and of courseDavy would miss his lover for a time.But he had most likelyalready met other, more congenial friends, people from hisown class.Normal people.Of course he would accept Willback even after all this time, and no word; his sweet, givingnature would make it impossible for him to refuse a friend.But Davy had given up so much, had given him somuch that Marshall could not conscience asking any more.And in some ways a clean break was all to the good.You are better off without me, Davy.I let you down so139Winds of Changebadly&He had bungled matters so thoroughly on the Valiant.He should have stuck with Davy every minute; they shouldhave confronted Dowling together [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]